Subtle Observations in Speech

By Sannara Ferguson

My life has changed in many ways since I've begun to transition, aside from those that are biological. I attend events sponsored by my support group, as well as, many that are unsupported. All of which serve to expand my understanding of myself as a new woman in the world. And Sunday's church event would be no different in its offering to teach, so long as I was willing to learn.

I'd become somewhat confident in my ability to blend in, remaining stealth when shortly I would realize I wore the Emperor’s new clothes. It was that dreadful pause that appeared in my conversations with the women of the congregation as they talked to me. That seeming awkward moment when I didn't say anything more and she would wait. At first I tried to ignore it but it occurred over and over again and having no recourse would brush over it, hesitate, and seek her continuance or nervously change the subject.

The large number of women that sought me out that day to speak with me was fortunate for me; though at the time I didn't think so.  I was surrounded by women who wanted to speak to me, as I was both new, transgendered, and a potential member of the church. (As a side note, the church was wonderful and truly welcoming.) It was this unending stream of women talking to me during the break between services which allowed me to make the observation that each conversation had a similar pattern embedded in it. Something I had not noticed before but soon realized was I was made victim of the very conversations I so desired. The conversations would fade off one by one.

Soon, with the pain in my feet from my beautiful high heel shoes, talking to me privately, lead me to take pause (break the conversations by excusing myself). I retreated to a chair in their gorgeous courtyard to rest. There I was approached by a man who while talking I realized did not use the same pattern of speech as had the women. It was clear to me there was a mystery I needed to solved. Well with a lot less drama I took my feet back into the church but with my ears keen to discern the differences. Meanwhile, the program progressed successfully, and soon I was on the road again to the Pride festival in a neighboring city all the while contemplating what I had experienced. I wanted to grasp this difference in communication because without it I knew I stood out like the proverbial sore thumb.

The ride from the church in Arvada along the back roads to Boulder was about forty minutes or so. It gave me time to reflect. Upon arriving I would be extra observant of the use of language. It wasn't long when it became clear to me that the men speaking around me, allowed me to see the difference. There is truth in the economy of word usage for men. They did little examination of the questions put before them, while women would put all options and possibilities of an issue on the table. The pattern wasn't in word choice as much as it was in the handling of the subject matter itself. Sadly the realization made me acutely aware of my own failing and for the rest of the day my confidence dropped. In my later, discussions with my sisters and brothers I saw that many of us had not transitioned well in this aspect of our communications. But the solutions seem to be within reach and I will share two of mine.

First, recognize how cisgender women ask questions. They attempt to examine multiple aspects of an issue while weighing the potential outcomes. Second, when in a one to one conversation there seems to be an expectation of a joint evaluation which you participate in not necessarily for a solution to the issue. You are expected to banter the ideas between you as you meander toward a consensus of opinion and not always a conclusion. While these may seem a stereotypical view and they are, some level of the inclusion of these ideas can add a very convincing aspect to your presentation.

Sept. 26, 2011